Love Equation
by CheekyXO
Summary: Sharing a secret with a friend shouldn't be so hard on the heart. Especially when that person is your best friend… that you're secretly in love with.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Utas POV

Irony has always been a funny word to me.

Pain is another word I've never been a stranger to.

Pain has always been a part of me. Something that just made me… me. Maybe it was the feeling that I craved. An unconscious habit I could never get rid of. That was the reason I got my first tattoo. I discovered that physical pain could distract me from the moment. I lavished in it, but now something was wrong. Going under the needle had lost its appeal and besides I was running out of space to put them. Nevertheless, I still went under the needle for just that one last rodeo. The symbols of Thalia and Melpomene, the masks of comedy and tragedy.

The needle dug a little too deep and I clamped down on the back of the swiveling chair as I leaned over it. Facing backwards with my torso leaning over the chair I was careful not to move as I watched an old couple pass the window of the tattoo shop. The sight of old people kissing should make me vomit, but I couldn't help but be happy for them. I'd been in the same funk for about four months. I wished that I could have the same thing they did. Sure, I was in love, but my love would never be returned.

What's the problem with unrequited love, you ask?

Well, it just plain freaking sucks.

The problem? Simply put, I was into men and he wasn't. One glance at him and you could tell he wasn't exactly the type to even have an accidental gay dream. I had caught him so many times dreaming of fucking some cunt.

I probably would still love him even if he was less than attractive. Unfortunately, he was the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on. 6 feet tall and about 175 pounds with beautiful shoulder length silver hair. I'm about two inches shorter than him, black hair, with the side shaved, weighing in at 125 pounds. He's well-built to my leaner body. He's better at sports, but it's really never mattered, because neither one of us was really devoted to sports. His body is finely chiseled and it makes my mouth water. It was our first year of college that I decided something needed to be done about my predicament.

You see, Renji and I met when we were twelve and he moved into my neighborhood. If I hadn't thought about being gay before meeting him, then there was no doubt about it after meeting him. It was as if something just clicked between us. I've been in love with him for the last six years of our lives and I'd never told him that I was gay. You ask, why the hell not? We've been friends for six years, right? I should be able to tell him, right?

Wrong.

What if he rejected me and wanted to end our friendship? If he ever found out how I felt, I'd lose my best friend and I'd be left to pine after the only man I'd ever loved.

I didn't want to start our new life in college pretending to be something I wasn't. I wanted to be able to live my life the way I wanted to. And if I was going to do that, then it meant coming out. I mean I didn't want to come out to my family and the people in town, but while I was away at school I could be who I was. I wanted to be able to date guys freely and not try to hide it. Even if I did try to hide it, it wouldn't have been for long and he would have eventually found out. So that's how I found the balls to tell Renji.

A couple of weeks before we were set to leave for college I got my kahunas together. Renji entered my house like always, kissing my mother and high fiving my dad.

"Hey, Uta! Come on! Let's go check out the girls' track race"

The sound of his voice was enough to make me pause at my door. I swallowed hard as he called my name again. My heart leaped against my chest and my nerves tensed up, something I wasn't used to feeling at the sound of my own name. I opened the door and called to him to come up. My hands were starting to sweat and all of a sudden the room that I had slept in since I was a kid seemed too small. Like the walls were closing in. I had it bad. Well, it was then or never.

"What's up?" Renji asked as he made himself comfortable, propping himself up on his right elbow on my freshly made bed.

God, he was so sexy. I can't lose focus.

"I have something very important that I have to tell you."

"What is it? Did you kill somebody?"

"There's really no easy way to say this. And if you don't want to be roommates or friends after this I'll understand. But the fact of the matter is … "

Renji sat up and put his feet on the ground with a serious expression. He was now aware that it wasn't a joking matter.

"Well, the fact is… "I could feel myself starting to sweat.

"Go on. Dude, just tell me already."

"Renji, I'm gay."

Renji looked confused as if my words hadn't registered with him.

"No, you're not. Stop joking."

"I'm totally serious. I'm not joking. I'm gay." I started pacing the room.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him. Maybe I should have just gotten a separate dorm room, but it was too late now. His face was stony and expressionless. I mean that was his usual face for everyone else, but with me it was never like that. I was taken aback by his serious expression. The vein in his twitching jaw seemed like it was getting larger by the second. I couldn't stand his silence any longer.

"Are you going to say anything?" I held myself tightly, one hand on each elbow. "Yell, scream, punch me in the face. Call me a fag?" I was steadily getting frantic. I never thought about how much it would hurt telling him this. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt as if my heart was going to crumble at any second now.

"How long have you known?"

"I've known since I was younger. I'll put it this way. My first wet dream was ackward as hell."

"The whole fucking time! You knew this whole damn time and you never once thought to tell me?"

"I was afraid! Can you blame me? You're my best friend. I was afraid of losing you."

"Your best friend? If I'm supposed to be your best friend, you would have told me!"

"I'll understand if you no longer want to be roomies after this. I'm sorry."

"I don't give a crap about you being gay. I'm your friend and nothing's going to change that, but you kept something like this from me for years. And now you decide to tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I? At first, I was really confused about everything and I didn't understand what was going on with me. I didn't know what you would do once you found out. I was too afraid to lose our friendship."

"Friendship? You're my best friend! You could have told me anything, but now I feel like I don't even know you. You never said a word."

"Renji…"

"I've told you everything. You know everything about me. And now you throw this at me, I don't know a fucking thing about the guy who supposedly calls himself my best friend."

"I didn't want to blindside you in the dorm. It would have been unfair for you to find out that way."

Renji didn't say anything. He took a deep breath put his head in his hands once before sitting back up.

"Well, it doesn't matter."

My heart dropped to my feet. Was my world about to come crashing down around me?

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter that you're gay. I wouldn't care if you hook up with the entire male population of the school. I am and will always be your friend. The only thing that bothers me is that you kept such an important part of yourself hidden away from me. Do you have a boyfriend that I should know about?"

"No, there isn't anyone. I've been too afraid to attempt anything. I've never had any sort of relationship in that way." I couldn't tell him that the only boyfriend I'd ever wanted was him. And he was the only reason I hadn't attempted to branch out.

"So does this mean I'll have to listen to your sexual escapades with men now?" He scratched his head.

"No, I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable." I gave a sheepish half smile, my heart finally back to normal after having finally gotten through one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. Utas POV

Fast forward to the present…

Weeks passed and our relationship slowly went back to normal. We still hung out and even joked about our situation now. I was going to school for art and he was going to school for law. We shared many of the same groups of friends, even with such different majors. My friends tended to be a little more eccentric and his were a little more structured, but we still studied together for our core classes.

Everything was as it should be between friends. We got along and never had any dumb fights. He didn't eat my food or leave any disgusting messes. He was the perfect roommate to the naked eye. But in my head, it seemed like I was in hell for the first couple of months. A very sexy and maybe enjoyable heaven to other gay men, but my own personal hell to me. Anytime Renji would walk around the apartment with his shirt off or come home from working out, steaming from exertion, I would almost blow my load then and there. And I knew it couldn't be long before Renji started dating girls and bringing them back.

My heart felt as if it would stop any day now from the torture. I knew I would never have a chance in hell at being with him. I had to do something. I had to forget about him. This pain wasn't worth feeling anymore. I felt this way until one day I met someone.

As an art major, having exhibitions is one of the requirements. You go around and interpret other people's art, searching for deeper meaning in paintings of stick figures and statues made of recycled tin foil. I wasn't surprised that many people avoided my side of the gallery where the material was dark and twisted.

At least, most people avoided it. Everyone but him. We'd seen each other before, but we had never spoken. Today, I was fascinated. What did he see when he looked at my art? Did he just find it amusing? I didn't notice I was staring until a pair of purple velvet eyes locked onto mine. Still, I didn't stop staring. He smiled and I felt my heart thump.

"Tsukiyama!" came a voice from behind him. It was a younger looking male with short white hair followed by a blond boy.

He turned to face the newcomers and the magic was broken. I considered staying to watch him talk to the others, but I decided against it. Well, at least I knew a name. Tsukiyama… is interested in my art. I left them to their conversation and let my professor know I was leaving.

This art exhibition was a two-parter. I hadn't gotten the nerve up to go speak to him the night before and I hoped that he would show up tonight. I watched the door closely the whole night and he never came. Needless to say, I was disappointed. I thought about those purple velvet eyes and that confident stance for days.

I wouldn't get to see them until three weeks later.

There was an unusual amount of people in my section of the new exhibition. I had been unable to concentrate, so it was filled with the usual artsy bullshit. Landscape paintings which consisted mostly of the sea, portraits of people, and pottery. It was all easy stuff that would get me an A, but it wasn't art. I had been proud of my other exhibits because they were who I was. There was only one piece I liked and had spent some great time on and it wasn't finished or to be included in this exhibition. It was a painting of Tsukiyama as I imagined him… naked and inviting. I blushed slightly at my distracted pervy mind.

He was back again today. I had to talk to him this time, but what would I talk about? I face palmed as I realized I had no arsenal of "small talk" ready in preparation for this. I stood dumbly in front of one of my nightscapes of the city, pondering what to say when I felt a presence next to me.

My eyes grew slightly large and I didn't dare glance to my right. I wasn't ready yet; this was too early. He usually came to this section last.

"I don't like it," came a frank and honest voice.

I knew that this wasn't my style of work, but it was still amazing, pardon my modesty. "What?" The annoyed answer came out of my mouth before I even processed what I was going to say.

"It's plain and it lacks taste," Tsukiyama stated simply as if he'd been offered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no jelly or milk to wash it down.

"Maybe the art in Kinoe Elementary would be more of your taste. It would be a little bit more in your lane." I was angry at such a rude remark to my face.

"Calm down. It's good art, but it's nothing like the art that you usually do. Your art is the best art in here. Even the art that you don't put your heart into. You transport those who behold your work and they savior the emotions and thoughts that it provokes," he turned slightly towards me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that," I glared slightly as I bit my lip. I was embarrassed that I ruined my chance at getting up the nerve to ask him out.

"You can consider us even if you'd just do one thing for me."

What was he going to ask me to do? Go off somewhere and kill myself? Dig a hole, get in, and drag a mountain on top of it? Or could it possibly be as simple as shriveling in a corner and dying? These were all very viable options right now. After all, I'd just set the world record for putting my foot in my mouth.

"What would that be?" I asked, sure that I had been tagged an idiot.

"Go on a date with me tonight." The words slipped so effortlessly from his mouth.

I sat there dumbfounded with my lips slightly parted. Someone had finally asked me on a date here. And it was a guy. A very, very hot guy!

"I.. umm… I…" My palms were all of a sudden sweaty and I'd apparently lost the ability to communicate.

He frowned slightly. "Could I have read this situation wrong?"

"Yes… I …"

The frown deepened, marring that perfect beauty of his. He opened his mouth to say something, but I interrupted him.

"Date? Yes, I want that," I had finally regained the ability to speak.

He seemed surprised and just as happy as me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. Tsukiyamas POV

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

Annoyed, I woke up to stop the vibrating on the nightstand. Having falling asleep on my back, I reached for the phone to see who it was. The intriguing dark haired beauty I'd grown fond of over the last few months.

What time are you coming? – Uta

I couldn't help but smile. Uta was almost ready for the plucking. He was always so ready to see me and I was ready to do more than just see him.

An arm snaked its way across my chest. I had almost forgotten that Sigmund was still here. Olive skinned and thick black lashes, Sigmund curled closer to me.

Who had told him he could stay over? His red hair lay softly against my shoulder. It was time to get my day started and I had things planned with Uta this Saturday. I sat up roughly, not concerned about being gentle with him on my arm.

"What's up?" He asked sleepily at my sudden movement.

"It's time for you to go."

"What?"

A look of pure confusion crossed over his face. Did I need to spell it out to him? You've over stayed your welcome. It was time to go, time for him to scram. Get the hell out. You don't have to go home, but you have to get the hell out of here. Maybe he didn't get the simple meaning. I don't need you anymore. You can leave.

I leaned over and grabbed him by the chin before planting a soft kiss on his lips.

"I'll see you later, my love." I held his meridian blue gaze. "I'll come pick you up tomorrow for our next date."

The confusion disappeared from his face to be replaced with a soft, shy smile.

"We'll commemorate our first time… your first time… with a night out somewhere fancy. How does that sound?"

"It sounds great, but I'd rather be here with you and spending time together."

I felt my left cheek twitch and I thought I'd lose the smile I was so desperately trying to hold. Sigmund had been a great fuck last night, but now he thought he was entitled to call the shots in their relationship? It was time to cut him off.

"Actually…I forgot I have something very important to do tomorrow. I'll call you when I have everything planned out."

Sigmund looked crestfallen, but he didn't say anything else to object. "That sounds fine. "

"Great! Now let's get dressed and get out of here." I leaned in for a deeper kiss, cupping the back of his head with my right hand.

Sigmund had been a delicate dish, so to speak. Spicy Mediterranean lips and a firm body, kept hard by sports. Every inch of him had tasted just as I'd imagined. Now that I had had my fill, I couldn't wait to taste Uta. Just the thought aroused me.

I led Sigmund's face towards my lap. What was the harm in letting him stay for a few more minutes? While he worked to push me over the edge, I texted Uta back.

I'll be there in 45 mins ;-) -Tsukiyama


End file.
